John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
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Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
This is me 🤣🤣
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.