My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Me: So there are 365 days in a year, yet there are 52 weeks consisting of 7 days each, which equals 364 days. Where does that extra da…
Guy at the bar: I think I see my friends
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.