10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Me: So there are 365 days in a year, yet there are 52 weeks consisting of 7 days each, which equals 364 days. Where does that extra da…
Guy at the bar: I think I see my friends
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Cop 1: “The victim has a dozen bullet wounds to the head, Sarge”
Sarge: *Can’t remember what a dozen means*
Sarge: “Clearly suicide, bag him up”
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.