Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
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Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
#CatsOnTwitter
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Dolls on drugs
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
every single time
“Why you watching this shit?”
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy