“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
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What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Baller is short for ballerina
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
“How’s your day going?”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Help Wanted
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?