Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
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5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.