I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
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What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can