Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of upsidedowntrash's best tweets

@upsidedowntrash : Genie: And your second and third wish? Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

@upsidedowntrash: [behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

@upsidedowntrash: me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

@upsidedowntrash: Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me ;)

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

@upsidedowntrash: i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

@upsidedowntrash: WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

@upsidedowntrash: me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

@upsidedowntrash: "When are you due?"
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

@upsidedowntrash: [first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit