I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
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Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Not all heroes wear capes.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.