I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶
Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*