Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
You Might Also Like
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Me sliding into hell like
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago