Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
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My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
A leaf blower, but for people.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it