25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
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Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.