Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
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Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller