@usermcuserface

(Knock)
Do you have a minute to talk about the lord?

Me: (doesn’t say a word, just dances the Macarena without breaking eye contact)

@usermcuserface

Well if it isn’t my old nemesis.
Bathroom scale: twists mustache and laughs maniacally.

@usermcuserface

Tigger: according to this book, we’re both apex predators.
Winnie the Pooh: really? I am sick of hunny..
( turn their heads)
Piglet: oh shit

@usermcuserface

I’m breaking up with you. No, your paintings are not the issue!
Vincent van Gogh: (holding his severed ear) Is it the way I dress?

@usermcuserface

(Drops)
Damn it
(Drops)
Damn it
(Drops)
Damn it
(Stabs it)
(Drops)
Damn it

– me trying to eat with chopsticks.

@usermcuserface

You start a mosh pit at the orchestra one time and all of a sudden you’re “banned for life” and “arrested”.

@usermcuserface

I love them whole heartedly. I love it when they play with me, and I eat their table scraps. I am essentially my kids dog.

@usermcuserface

Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!

Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?

@usermcuserface

How did you find me??
Cop: Your ransom note had pasted letters from a magazine. It was between you and like 4 other people on earth.