Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
You Might Also Like
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
mom had nothing to worry about
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Which wines pair best with gloating?
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*