This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
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My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET