10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
*sewing*
A thread
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off