“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
You Might Also Like
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My beach vacation Google searches
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.