It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
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greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Denise please return my vape pen
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.