If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Breaking news:
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Pikachu found the lost joint
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.