I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
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WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos