My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
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Merilly
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MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction