I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.