My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
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Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Catering service
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired