horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
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A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.