“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
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Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
This could’ve been an email.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?