Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
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I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.