What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
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Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
ok this is my dumbest yet
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good