I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
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I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
#SaturdayBears
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?