Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of velvettusk's best tweets

@velvettusk : *sprains wrist doing sports

"MY NACHO HAND!"

@velvettusk: [First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

@velvettusk: ♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

@velvettusk: ♫ Hey cow
You're an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

@velvettusk: Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

@velvettusk: "Eat your dinner so that lamb didn't die for nothing" - will ensure you get your daughter's helping, too.

@velvettusk: My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

@velvettusk: If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield's, I'd probably shit my pants.