Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
You Might Also Like
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for