Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
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Are we there yet?…
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.