[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
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You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I used to be married, but I’m better now
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know