Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
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[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Catering service
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Same pineapple, same
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.