To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
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Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there