Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
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[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.