Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
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Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Holy crap this is wonderful
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
we all know this pain all too well
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.