@vexroid

Cell phone.

Recliner.

Beer.

Not at work.

This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell.

@vexroid

Me: Did you play video games all day?

9: No

Me: What else did you do?

9: I ate lunch

@vexroid

To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is…lucky guess.

@vexroid

This restaurant should really be giving me a discount for ordering carryout and not bringing my kids inside.

@vexroid

Found $0.83 under my pillow.

It appears that I still have all of my teeth so now I’m a little worried about what I was paid for.

@vexroid

Her: How in the world did we max out the credit card??

Me: Beats me

*pushes $20K worth of Care Bears under the bed

@vexroid

I may not be book smart or street smart and I may not have much common sense and I’m really not sure where I was going with this.

@vexroid

All I’m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn’t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after EVERY use.

@vexroid

I was voted “most friendly” at my high school in 10th grade.

It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.