Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
You Might Also Like
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Vodka burrito was a success
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half