My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
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God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother