Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
You Might Also Like
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.