Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
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I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Become ungovernable.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
In banana years, I am bread.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?