@vikkaroni

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

@vikkaroni

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

@vikkaroni

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

@vikkaroni

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

@vikkaroni

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

@vikkaroni

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

@vikkaroni

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

@vikkaroni

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

@vikkaroni

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.