IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
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I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time