99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.