I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
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This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Every photo I’m tagged in
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911