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@vineyille : "Hey what's today's date?"
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
"No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar."
@vineyille: [face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
@vineyille: The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
@vineyille: My self driving car crashes into the amazon go store, aisle after aisle of destroyed canned goods are automatically added to my order
@vineyille: Hey starbucks I'm not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
@vineyille: “Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
@vineyille: After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
@vineyille: Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. "Is that good?" No one will make eye contact with me.
@vineyille: FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
@vineyille: "First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO" - presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish