@vineyille

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

@vineyille

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

@vineyille

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

@vineyille

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

@vineyille

My self driving car crashes into the amazon go store, aisle after aisle of destroyed canned goods are automatically added to my order

@vineyille

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

@vineyille

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

@vineyille

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

@vineyille

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

@vineyille

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised