Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of vineyille's best tweets

@vineyille : "Hey what's today's date?"
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
"No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar."

@vineyille: [face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

@vineyille: The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

@vineyille: My self driving car crashes into the amazon go store, aisle after aisle of destroyed canned goods are automatically added to my order

@vineyille: Hey starbucks I'm not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

@vineyille: “Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

@vineyille: After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

@vineyille: Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. "Is that good?" No one will make eye contact with me.

@vineyille: FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

@vineyille: "First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO" - presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish