I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
My self driving car crashes into the amazon go store, aisle after aisle of destroyed canned goods are automatically added to my order
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised