How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
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[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Hard not to take this personally
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
True.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?