I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
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don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.