[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
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[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
describing stardew valley
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁