Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
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How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
knights of the ikea table
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911