cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
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reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good