Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
the dark web is just a goth google.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Nice try, NASA